We’ll all float on.

May 30, 2012

I hope you find what you’re looking for. I hope you find someone to love. I’m glad that you figured out that you need to make changes in your life. It sucks that you hurt me in the process. And not to be a douche, but I don’t owe you anything. Respect that I’m hurting like I’m respecting your choices.

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Y4 d1q?

April 10, 2012

The newest additions to my custom family. :vD

Birthday is in two weeks. I’m hoping/ fiending for new ink, it’s been wayyyy too long and my tattoo artist has been hitting me up so he must think so, too. 😛

REAL RAP.

March 27, 2012

I like to act like I’m so grown and I’ve got such a handle on myself, but I’m starting to realize that part of being an adult is not kicking people out of my life so easily and getting over things. I tend to dismiss everyone as not important enough, not willing enough, not understanding enough, or not available enough, but the truth is that I put myself in those situations sometimes, too. Two people I consider very close friends are going through a pretty rough breakup right now, and I hope that I can be there for them in the same way that they were always there for me.

I also did some soul searching the past few days, because I’ve been increasingly lonely. And I figured out that baggage isn’t anybody else’s problem. You can’t make yourself miserable all the time just because you’re afraid of getting put in a situation that you’ve already been in, and if I don’t stop sabotoging, overanalyzing, and worrying about everything good I’ve got going on I’m going to end up exactly where I was a year ago.

I want to volunteer more often again. I’ve only done it once or twice in the past six months. But my work schedule sucks, not driving sucks, and I try to spend a lot of free time with the man since I get incredibly bored without him. I’m going to pick up on a few other things, too. We’ll see how this all works out.

“Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.
You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold onto.
The one thing that I tried to hold onto.”
-Michelle Branch, Goodbye to You

One of those kinda states of mind. Eh. :/ Me and Dougie are attatched at the hip, by the way everyone. He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met and he goes to great lengths to ensure that I am happy, when I don’t ask him to. Also I’ve been getting my hair dyed professionally lately and it looks awesome and I feel so cute and funky. Just thought I’d throw in a positive note or two. :]

Nerd world praablemz.

January 30, 2012

I broke my glasses. -.- But I’m literally legally blind or whatever so it’s kinda important for me working and stuff. Conveniant timing, though, my taxxxes are getting done today so I’ll have some refund cash soon. Or at least I’d better. Oh also I really want Curren$y’s new album but I can’t find the drops ANYwhere. FUDGE.

Strike Hard.

January 2, 2012

If you think you’re edgy, you aren’t. Changing yourself according to something you picked up from trends does not mean your physical appearance or personality doesn’t suck. And automatically defending yourself against criticisms by labeling everyone else as too shallow or old fashioned to “get” you, does not mean your lifestyle choices are eccentric.

Hopeless Places.

December 5, 2011

Lately I’ve been happy and goofy. I don’t just want to enjoy things, I do. And when I think about things that make me upset, I can remind myself that dwelling on it only makes it worse. They say things get worse before they get better, and they’ve been bad for about eight months now so I wouldn’t be surprised if everything turned around. But, still, because no one ever bothers to ask but find the need to talk, and because I’m afraid of what I might do if things don’t change, here is some insight into what’s been going on in my mind.

 

I sleep a lot and don’t really go anywhere except the gym. I hang out at work a lot because it’s within walking distance. I’m sad a lot of the time. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to be sad so I don’t even know if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m just an idiot. It’s taken me this long to vocalize how I feel because I hate how everyone wants to have something wrong with them so they can get happy pills. Plus I already have a stomach and skin disease; how much cooler can I get if I have a mental problem?

The safe bet is to say that I developed “depression” when I went through a break up, but I still don’t buy into medical depression, and either way, it’s something I’ve ran into before. Being single just makes me feel alone which amplifies it. I went from obsessively texting my boyfriend all day to not sending any texts in a week. I no longer had someone to be excited for, to feel special for, or to improve for, so I started feeling down on myself and got into that habit. And voila, all these negative feelings started creeping up like a bedtime monster.

When I lost my relationship I lost my best friend and that the honest to god truth is that it emotionally hurt ten times more than anything I ever wanted to experience. Recently I started thinking about  how I moved back from California. I wish I could say my motives were better, but they weren’t, and I’ve got to accept that. I was scared and lonely and I was across the country from my family and I missed my boyfriend and if I hadn’t moved back for Adam I probably would have ended up moving back because I would have been more miserable when we broke up. I highly doubt I’ll ever say that out loud, though.

Most of the time I feel lost and lonely without a companion, but I’m kind of glad I’ve become strong enough to not rely on constant communication with people as a means of comfort. A lot of the people I considered friends fell off the map over time, dumb disputes, or change of attitudes. The one that I was attached at the hip to unfortunately  fell into all of those categories. I keep contact with a few people who are close to me but we are mostly all in different places in life so I don’t usually feel like I have a large support base like I did when I had a bff. But, looking back, I always kept a lot of things to myself. I guess I haven’t met a lot of people who instigate the types of conversations I come up with in my mind. Maybe I should try being a script writer, I’d probably be banging.

I’ve pushed away as many people as have pushed me away, including my family. I’m trying to get that back on track, but everyone knows how family stuff goes, so I don’t even want anyone’s lectures. I want to move out so I don’t have tension with my parents as often, but part of me feels like they kind of need me here, and I’m scared because I’m sick so often and they take care of me. Anyway, my brother’s my best friend, and that’s the strongest bond I’m probably ever going to get. I should buy a dog.

I’m planning on going to college once I get myself to a place where I feel like I can actually get out of bed and go to class and work and not fail out. But it’s going to take more time, and the next time someone tries to get on my case about how it’s been a whole year and I’m not doing anything with my life because I’m being lazy, I am going to jam this down their throat. I have my own stuff to deal with, get on yours and off mine.

Hiatus.

November 12, 2011

My week’s paid vacation is up on Tuesday. [Well okay I went into work once because I wanted some more money so I got it extended by a day.] Just like I predicted I did nothing out of the ordinary. Volunteered, hung around the house, drove a friend to the grocery store, bought a new bra that my boobs seem to like, whoooo living on the edge. It sounds like a waste of a vacation but I think I needed to get away from the drama and the annoyances, no matter what I did in abscence of it. I’ve been less sad, but I think it’s primarily because I’ve been focused on communicating with friends via our internet chat. Kinda hard to be sad when you’re laughing at your computer screen. It’s getting harder for me to think of things to say to people, on here and in person. It makes me sad to think I’m losing the biggest parts of myself but it’d take so much energy for me to sit down and write it all out. And if I did, I’d never show it to anyone. I think I’m going to fall off again soon. After December I’m promising myself that I will do SOMETHING to fix this.

And I don’t really smoke but this was just one of those days yo. Popping my favorite cd and let that whole play through.”
-XV, “Swervin”

2011 is

November 1, 2011

almost over, thank god. The only part of November I look forward to is RealThanksGiving with my loves.

No slutty Halloween pictures from me. Spent my second year working 4-12:15 on the holiday. Not that I ever have plans anyway but I was kinda bummed because I had a cute slutty Pocahontas costume idea.

I wish I didn’t still feel the ways I do. I wish I didn’t let my unfortunate situations that I put myself in get me down. Time to get my stuff together, forreal.