Disappointment.

October 15, 2010

Before I begin this explanation of why I am “disappointed,” I believe I should start off with a little story about my day yesterday. After all, this is a blog, and what are my words without any story or interesting motives behind them? Yesterday I received an anonymous text from someone [I assume my team leader here] telling me to come to dinner. When I went to the kitchen no one was there. Weird. So I sat outside on the curb and waited to see where fifteen people managed to disappear to. In my quest I imagine I looked pretty lonely, because a very nice young lad walked over and plopped down next to me. I’m friendly, he’s friendly, we talked for awhile. Mostly about tattoos. One thing he said he wanted as a tattoo was “existing’s tricky.” Call me a sucker for poetry or dumb indie trends, but I absolutely loved that. What better way can someone sum up the complications that arise in daily average life?

That being said, I have left AmeriCorps NCCC. I will keep my reasons as personal as I can on a blog. I have felt out of place here, being one of few under 21 and even fewer with yet to attend college. I have been depressed and lonely. I have made friends and yet, feel completely alone. I have had panic attacks and hives, a trait I have developed in extremely stressful situations. I haven’t felt like this is home. So I talked to a counselor today, and I am leaving before they depart on their first assignment to go to a Boys and Girls’ Camp in Mendocino on Tuesday.

I am not doing this for people, no matter what everyone’s assuming. I already got heat for this from my friends. And I’m not doing it for attention, self-pity, or anything else that’s been thrown around. I’m doing this for me. While this is a wonderful program, I’m not ready quite yet for it, and I’m paying for it ultimately. I wish I had thought this out better before I made this huge commitment and wasted taxpayer money on this trip. I’m flat broke. California’s expensive. However I will NEVER stop volunteering or helping people and I’ll change the world some other way. My plan is to go back home, get money, be a real adult, and go to school maybe, or go on some other humanitarian project and not quit that one. Do I realize what a huge mistake I just made? Yep. Do I know it’s only been a week and a half? Yes. I want my friends and family to know that I have considered all the options, and taken into account every opinion I’ve had forced on me. But this is my choice and life. My brother supports me and that’s all I need right now. So I’m moving home again. I hate the West Coast. Don’t applaud it, and don’t discourage it. Just accept it and let me live.

I am not proud of this. But it is what I am doing.

La, la, la, la, la la…

Whelp. I live in California now. I am officially an Americorps NCCC representative as of today [got my pass and uniform]. The flight and first day were absolutely disgusting, due to excessive exhaustion, lack of shower, etc. But everyone is extremely open and nice. I’m actually intimidated and pretty shy right now. I think I’ve picked up a couple friends, but we keep switching groups, rooms, etc, so I never see someone twice.  From what I gather, everyone sits in the computer lab on facebook just as much as I do, so I don’t feel like a nerd yet. I’m the literal smallest person here which makes me giggle. Also, it came in handy because everyone helps me carry stuff, haha. We’re basically living in a college campus/ military base. Other than the time we get up I don’t think I hate anything about this place. I’m in this weird stage where I can’t tell if I’m going to like it here. I can’t judge anything from the first day, and I’m overdramatic anyway. But I’m so worried that I’ll fail here. :/ I miss a lot of home, but mostly because I’m used to it. I miss my friends. I can’t wait for Christmas break. :] When I become interesting I’ll post something with more substance.

Reblagged.

June 23, 2010

THE TENDERLOIN PROJECT

Above us, only sky.

June 16, 2010

I don’t like the fiction. I’m still a good person.

And I know you’ve been abandoned,
but don’t abandon ship on me.
Just know like a winter white snow
you’ve been forgiven.
Come back to me.
I know right now that don’t mean anything.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

April 7, 2010

Life’s going well. I would like more spontaneity around me. PSSA started this week; we’re stuck being productive by sitting in the school auditorium for over a month while the juniors take it. I’m worried that the silk for my prom dress from Mood isn’t coming and I won’t have time to get my dress made. But I finally have a date and I think we’re all taking a limo there. “] I made my shirt for A Day Without Shoes yesterday and it looks terrible but I’m still gonna wear it, and pass out fliers for TOMS shoes and the Outlook Massachusetts. It’s been beautiful weather. I feel distant from lots of people but I’m used to that same old sad story of growing apart.  I’m happy. I feel like lots of doors are being opened for me, in terms of friends, my future, and my family. I hope everybody is as happy as meeeee.

Dear Bloggy,

March 12, 2010

I’m not ignoring you, I swear! I just am waiting for the right time to fill you in on my oh so very exciting life.

Went to one of the last shows before the venue here closes down, had a nice conversation with this dude and really liked this message and the free vegan food. Check it out if you don’t suck.