Hopeless Places.

December 5, 2011

Lately I’ve been happy and goofy. I don’t just want to enjoy things, I do. And when I think about things that make me upset, I can remind myself that dwelling on it only makes it worse. They say things get worse before they get better, and they’ve been bad for about eight months now so I wouldn’t be surprised if everything turned around. But, still, because no one ever bothers to ask but find the need to talk, and because I’m afraid of what I might do if things don’t change, here is some insight into what’s been going on in my mind.

 

I sleep a lot and don’t really go anywhere except the gym. I hang out at work a lot because it’s within walking distance. I’m sad a lot of the time. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to be sad so I don’t even know if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m just an idiot. It’s taken me this long to vocalize how I feel because I hate how everyone wants to have something wrong with them so they can get happy pills. Plus I already have a stomach and skin disease; how much cooler can I get if I have a mental problem?

The safe bet is to say that I developed “depression” when I went through a break up, but I still don’t buy into medical depression, and either way, it’s something I’ve ran into before. Being single just makes me feel alone which amplifies it. I went from obsessively texting my boyfriend all day to not sending any texts in a week. I no longer had someone to be excited for, to feel special for, or to improve for, so I started feeling down on myself and got into that habit. And voila, all these negative feelings started creeping up like a bedtime monster.

When I lost my relationship I lost my best friend and that the honest to god truth is that it emotionally hurt ten times more than anything I ever wanted to experience. Recently I started thinking about  how I moved back from California. I wish I could say my motives were better, but they weren’t, and I’ve got to accept that. I was scared and lonely and I was across the country from my family and I missed my boyfriend and if I hadn’t moved back for Adam I probably would have ended up moving back because I would have been more miserable when we broke up. I highly doubt I’ll ever say that out loud, though.

Most of the time I feel lost and lonely without a companion, but I’m kind of glad I’ve become strong enough to not rely on constant communication with people as a means of comfort. A lot of the people I considered friends fell off the map over time, dumb disputes, or change of attitudes. The one that I was attached at the hip to unfortunately  fell into all of those categories. I keep contact with a few people who are close to me but we are mostly all in different places in life so I don’t usually feel like I have a large support base like I did when I had a bff. But, looking back, I always kept a lot of things to myself. I guess I haven’t met a lot of people who instigate the types of conversations I come up with in my mind. Maybe I should try being a script writer, I’d probably be banging.

I’ve pushed away as many people as have pushed me away, including my family. I’m trying to get that back on track, but everyone knows how family stuff goes, so I don’t even want anyone’s lectures. I want to move out so I don’t have tension with my parents as often, but part of me feels like they kind of need me here, and I’m scared because I’m sick so often and they take care of me. Anyway, my brother’s my best friend, and that’s the strongest bond I’m probably ever going to get. I should buy a dog.

I’m planning on going to college once I get myself to a place where I feel like I can actually get out of bed and go to class and work and not fail out. But it’s going to take more time, and the next time someone tries to get on my case about how it’s been a whole year and I’m not doing anything with my life because I’m being lazy, I am going to jam this down their throat. I have my own stuff to deal with, get on yours and off mine.

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3 Responses to “Hopeless Places.”

  1. Lee Wesman said

    The insight you provide is actually very helpful. I appreciate that you ackowledge you don’t know the situation, but provide an unbiased view of what is going on and how to fix it. I agree that I need to start having an active role in my own happiness. I just always post my whiny thoughts and keep the optimistic ones to myself, because that would kill my image.

    This Madeline situation is a little complicated because even though I doubt she’ll ever read this, and we haven’t talked in about a month, I’m pretty sure we’re still considered buds.
    I feel guilty agreeing that she’s obsessed with herself. But that’s the core reason why I quit making an effort, as you and I have talked about (not on the internet, creeps).

    I’m a pretty codependant person. When my relationships with people seem to falter I either get angry at them and kill them/ stop talking to them, or get clingy. I should stop doing that to people. It probably makes me look really bad.

    • Will Riley said

      Don’t feel guilty about it. She’s currently a self-centered person and that can change. I’m all for self-advancement.

      There’s nothing wrong with being interdependent as it’s mutual. Even heavily interdependent people (I’m talking attached-at-the-hip people or hipsters) have someone out there who prefers their level of attachment.

      I’ve been working at this portion myself: eventually you’ll just have to accept who you are and let other people put up with it. Everyone else does this — why shouldn’t you, or me? We’re all entitled to live. Anyone telling you that you’re screwed up for what you think is murdering whatever you wish you could say.

      There’s definitely a time to show restraint though. It’s strange finding where you should stop.

      Kicking people out of your life is okay. Refusing to kick people out is okay too. Figure out what works best for you.

  2. Will Riley said

    I recently had an interaction with a coworker that applies to your passage about reflection. He told me, “Why are you still thinking about that? Put it on Hayes’ desk and call it a day. I bet he makes more money than you do.”

    My coworker’s expression gives some insight into how you could approach things. Instead of thinking about something painful, or regretful, find a way to close it as there’s nothing else you can do.

    Be careful with cliches and self-fulfilling prophecy’s. Voltaire says, “Man is free the moment he wishes to be” and I agree, because power presupposes consent. You’ve got the power.

    Here’s another popular expression by William Gibson, “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.” Inaction IS action and having nobody to be around is definitely has a correlation to your surroundings and what you do.

    For example, most of the people I know are from Best Buy. I met Jon Shea at Best Buy and through him I met you, Katie, and others. Through you I met Madeline. Through Madeline I met the Devil. (I didn’t really. I bet she doesn’t know him, unless she has imaginary friends.)

    Be careful with self-diagnosis. You might be talking yourself into something that doesn’t need to happen. My mother frequently talks herself into being stressed out when things don’t need to be so bad. Think of the positives, even if difficult: you have food, shelter, and time — these are scarce resources for many, you should value them!

    Breaking up with Adam was a great thing. If both party interests aren’t aligned properly, why bother with a relationship? Both parties could spend their time better acquiring new leads. I think your well has run dry and you’re frustrated. I’ve been there and it sucks. I was single for about a year and it seemed like nobody wanted someone like me. Eventually things become comfortable. Then you’ll meet new people and if there’s mutual interest, you’ll have another encounter.

    I don’t know Adam and I can’t make any assessments of him because of it. Based on what I’ve experienced in my relationships with girls, most people are in it for themselves. I’d like to think that’s common in our culture. It’s also annoying. Find people who are mentally similar and pleasant to be around.

    I’ve been reading what Madeline writes lately. (Really only a few posts here and there. I spend most of my time doing other things.) She seems to be obsessed with herself and her image. All you need to do is read her Twitter description.

    “Nineteen. Short. Italian. Shaved head. Stretched ears. Weird, outgoing, introverted, intellectual, bookworm.”

    These aren’t characteristics as much as they are a wishlist. In under a year she has been working to adjust her physical appearance to be “in” or unique, which is also “in.” Honestly, it’s frustrating for me to read because this is also an individual who freaks out on the slightest abnormality, “CREEPY,” and considers herself weird.

    What a hypocrite — because it is okay to be weird and not creepy. (Two entirely different concepts, I’m sure. Maybe she meant different because that’s equally as trendy, which is another word that has parallels in social acceptance with creep.)

    I guess what I’m saying here is live is a moving target and you will have to play an active role — specifically, not passive — in getting yourself whatever you want. This applies especially for our culture of independence and individuality; you will need to work for it.

    This is coming from the guy anticipating graduation in December without a job lined up. I bet we’ll make it if we keep going.

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