From these verbal massages,

December 27, 2011

highed up astrologist, smokin’ wit yo goddesses. Swore that I would do all of this.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with a prospective lover lately…. 😀 I’m not talking about it though. For a bunch of reasons.
Went out for soup with my buddy Bob who lives in NC, who I missed quite a bit.
Took Rosco in today so he can pass when he gets inspected and I can go back to crusing and loving him.
Got a bunch of stuff done around the house and now I’m off to pick up a work shift and get that cheddar.
Wore the custom Nikes, in the middle of winter. Because there’s no snow.
Today is my swagga day.

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This dude

December 20, 2011

who comes into work once or twice a week looks EXACTLY like Stalley. And it’s AWESOME.
He told me he’s from Ohio, too, hahahahaha.

Everything’s iight right now. With some Christmas money rollin’ in hopefully I can get a few things off my list of stuff I need.
◊New shoes [my work ones are falling apart so that means my current gym shoes will become my work ones]
◊Rosco presents/ some payments paid off/ his repairs paid off
◊New purse
◊New TV
◊So. Much. Food.
◊Digital camera, that facebook picture is way out of reach right now since my phone is busted too, hahaha.
Umm, let’s see what else is new. I’m a blonde/ brunette/ redhead now. I started getting my hurr dyed and I can honestly say I look much better. 😀 I’m starting to look at college, since I think my roomie situation isn’t going to work out soon enough. My Realtalk group is having a Secret Santa and I am so excited. :] Not sure what the fudge to get the person I got, but I’m sure I can come up with something. Happy holidays, errybady!

Love them.

I rememeber

December 13, 2011

when I was in California, I wasn’t upset about being too broke to buy food but I cried because I had no books to read. The few times I had money, I found out the BX had a horrible selection of previously used romance and horror novels, and the only bookstores were in town so I had no way to get there. I went almost two months without reading a book. That makes me so sad.

“In fact, the conviction that the world and man is something that had better not have been, is of a kind to fill us with indulgence towards one another. Nay, from this point of view, we might well consider the proper form of address to be, not Monsieur, Sir, mein Herr, but my fellow sufferer, Soci malorum, compagnon de miseres. This may perhaps sound strange, but it is in keeping with the facts; it puts others in a right light; and it reminds us of that which is after all the most nescessary thing in life- the tolerance, patience, regard, and love of neighbor, of which everyone stands in need, and which, therefore, every man owes to his fellows.” -ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER

Hopeless Places.

December 5, 2011

Lately I’ve been happy and goofy. I don’t just want to enjoy things, I do. And when I think about things that make me upset, I can remind myself that dwelling on it only makes it worse. They say things get worse before they get better, and they’ve been bad for about eight months now so I wouldn’t be surprised if everything turned around. But, still, because no one ever bothers to ask but find the need to talk, and because I’m afraid of what I might do if things don’t change, here is some insight into what’s been going on in my mind.

 

I sleep a lot and don’t really go anywhere except the gym. I hang out at work a lot because it’s within walking distance. I’m sad a lot of the time. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to be sad so I don’t even know if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m just an idiot. It’s taken me this long to vocalize how I feel because I hate how everyone wants to have something wrong with them so they can get happy pills. Plus I already have a stomach and skin disease; how much cooler can I get if I have a mental problem?

The safe bet is to say that I developed “depression” when I went through a break up, but I still don’t buy into medical depression, and either way, it’s something I’ve ran into before. Being single just makes me feel alone which amplifies it. I went from obsessively texting my boyfriend all day to not sending any texts in a week. I no longer had someone to be excited for, to feel special for, or to improve for, so I started feeling down on myself and got into that habit. And voila, all these negative feelings started creeping up like a bedtime monster.

When I lost my relationship I lost my best friend and that the honest to god truth is that it emotionally hurt ten times more than anything I ever wanted to experience. Recently I started thinking about  how I moved back from California. I wish I could say my motives were better, but they weren’t, and I’ve got to accept that. I was scared and lonely and I was across the country from my family and I missed my boyfriend and if I hadn’t moved back for Adam I probably would have ended up moving back because I would have been more miserable when we broke up. I highly doubt I’ll ever say that out loud, though.

Most of the time I feel lost and lonely without a companion, but I’m kind of glad I’ve become strong enough to not rely on constant communication with people as a means of comfort. A lot of the people I considered friends fell off the map over time, dumb disputes, or change of attitudes. The one that I was attached at the hip to unfortunately  fell into all of those categories. I keep contact with a few people who are close to me but we are mostly all in different places in life so I don’t usually feel like I have a large support base like I did when I had a bff. But, looking back, I always kept a lot of things to myself. I guess I haven’t met a lot of people who instigate the types of conversations I come up with in my mind. Maybe I should try being a script writer, I’d probably be banging.

I’ve pushed away as many people as have pushed me away, including my family. I’m trying to get that back on track, but everyone knows how family stuff goes, so I don’t even want anyone’s lectures. I want to move out so I don’t have tension with my parents as often, but part of me feels like they kind of need me here, and I’m scared because I’m sick so often and they take care of me. Anyway, my brother’s my best friend, and that’s the strongest bond I’m probably ever going to get. I should buy a dog.

I’m planning on going to college once I get myself to a place where I feel like I can actually get out of bed and go to class and work and not fail out. But it’s going to take more time, and the next time someone tries to get on my case about how it’s been a whole year and I’m not doing anything with my life because I’m being lazy, I am going to jam this down their throat. I have my own stuff to deal with, get on yours and off mine.