November 12, 2011

My week’s paid vacation is up on Tuesday. [Well okay I went into work once because I wanted some more money so I got it extended by a day.] Just like I predicted I did nothing out of the ordinary. Volunteered, hung around the house, drove a friend to the grocery store, bought a new bra that my boobs seem to like, whoooo living on the edge. It sounds like a waste of a vacation but I think I needed to get away from the drama and the annoyances, no matter what I did in abscence of it. I’ve been less sad, but I think it’s primarily because I’ve been focused on communicating with friends via our internet chat. Kinda hard to be sad when you’re laughing at your computer screen. It’s getting harder for me to think of things to say to people, on here and in person. It makes me sad to think I’m losing the biggest parts of myself but it’d take so much energy for me to sit down and write it all out. And if I did, I’d never show it to anyone. I think I’m going to fall off again soon. After December I’m promising myself that I will do SOMETHING to fix this.

And I don’t really smoke but this was just one of those days yo. Popping my favorite cd and let that whole play through.”
-XV, “Swervin”


4 Responses to “Hiatus.”

  1. Lee Wesman said

    I will be more than obliged to hang out for a couple hours tomorrow (Monday.)

    I love T.S. Elliot as you probably remember, so it just so happens that is one of my favorite quotes of his. Imagine that.

    The week previous to my vacation was just aggravating because I’ve been in some trouble. It’s been nice to step back from it and just not worry about it for more than one or two days. I plan on coming back to the grind and continuing with not taking anything too seriously.

    As for the internal dilemmas, I’m worried about a hoard of bees attacking me but Jesus is with me so I think I will be fine. Or something like that.

    Tell me more about these posts from 6 years ago!

    • Will Riley said

      The earliest entrees I have are difficult to get through. (I sucked at typing and creating anything compelling.)

      I was documenting what I was doing because I felt like that’s what I should do on something like that. The clincher was that I wasn’t really doing anything, so imagine someone without any creative-writing skill posting. Here’s an example:

      “Well now, this is my first entry so there really isn’t a whole lot to work with here… So anyways today was a pretty boring day since it was sunday. I woke up and come [sic] downstairs and talked with my friends on the computer as soon as I could.. [sic] which was around 11a.m. After that I played my game for a bit, [sic] then I went upstairs and played my guitar for awhile. After that I played a playstation 2 game for awhile(2 hours). I couldn’t really help my mom with moving furnature around because my arm hurts… my left forearm anyways.”

      The following post was two days later and if I remember correctly, it was created with the sole purpose of making fun of someone:

      “So anyways I was really, really tired. In the morning I saw someone really ugly.. well actually I saw two people that I think are VERY ugly. And then this one pretty girl was hiding her face from me in 1st period ::wink wink::.”

      A little over a year later my writing skills and consciousness drastically changed. I’m not sure what happened. I feel like this portion of a post, November 2nd, 2005 depicts what I was like accurately:

      “I had lunch today because I was fed up with having spanish lab. During lunch we had a great time, eventually I asked Kathy what she had meant about Sara “forgiving and forgetting.” I got alot of other things like “she doesn’t hate you” and etc. She doesn’t have a reason to hate me, infact I have reasons to hate her. She’s got the qualities of people I hate, but I don’t have reasons to hate her directly, not yet at least. In short, I told Kathy that she has no reason to forgive, and that she is the kind of person that I dont like.”

      Most of my posts, or at least the overall underlining message, was that I was in pain and was either fixing it, taking a break from fixing it so I could “release,” or pretending to be happy in almost a manic way.

      In February 2006, close enough to me being 19, I was posting things like this every once in awhile:

      “I know that if I fuck up some how, my dad will come at me and start up his “YOU FUCK, THIS DAMN COMPUTER IS KEEPING YOU FROM DOING GOOD AT SCHOOL.” OBVIOUSLY IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY DAD. “DID YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK, WILL? WILL? WILL” “HAHA, YOU NOT GETTING YOUR LISCENSE IS YOUR FAULT. WHO’S HOLDING YOU BACK ON THAT ONE?” OH I HAVE NO CAR, AND I DONT KNOW YOUR SCHEDUAL, THANKS. “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME? *STOMP STOMP STOMP WALK* WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?” Maybe if you stopped being such a piece of trash and didn’t make me feel worried about your response when I tell you something, things would be better you piece of fucking shit.”

      Followed by:

      “I’m so tired of being angry, but that’s tough to do when there’s people around me that do things like this all of the time.”

      “There are people who take a situation, repeat it over and over, and don’t think of a solution. They continue to dread about it. They have no intention to make it better, they would like it to be better but haven’t gotten past the fact that it has happened. During times where things are happening, I am this person. After things have happened, I am the constructive person.”

      It is weird looking back. Especially because some of the most trying times are documented so well. I’d say the approach you take changes but the problems stay as bad. I’m not sure if that’s encouraging.

      It’s at least neat to review the way you saw the world.

      • Lee Wesman said

        A few days ago I went on my old myspace page to see if there were any worthwhile pictures I could snag. There weren’t, I used to be ugly. Anyways, I did find a few entries I wrote about myself, which is my favorite topic.

        “I have come to find that I am not completely uncomfortable recognizing my strengths [and weaknesses], I just am not up to the process of putting them on the table for people to poke at when they most likely would be able to discover them on their own. For any moments I have doubted human ability for compassion, I still have referenced the thousand moments I have not. Most people are worth the effort, and if they aren’t, I learned to stop trying and laugh at it. Laughter is a better cure than any medicine, and being optimistic is more natural of an emotion than people like to think. I have had my share of hardships; being out in the world alone is all it’s chalked up to be. And I still have taken my hits and moved on. I regret nothing and miss no one. I’m still loyal to my straight edge lifestyle but admittedly, some ideals change with maturing. A sunset is louder than a hardcore show.”

        At that point I hadn’t been out in the world on my own as much as I thought, and I was far from mature, but it still hits pretty accurately. I can dig it.

  2. Will Riley said

    Hey Lee,

    I started looking through some of my old posts on various websites (LiveJournal specifically) and decided to stop by your space and have a look around. I have a post from February 1st, 2004 (I was 17 then — wow).

    If you would like, we could do something Monday evening, starting with 4:00PM onward. I have to attend the Occupy Erie General Assembly (GA), which is 6:30PM.

    How cool would it be if I replied to all of the contents of your post? Compelling, I’m sure. Let’s try that:

    Any time spent doing something enjoyable is time well spent; I hope you don’t see your entire vacation as being a failure — it doesn’t have to be this way — and I’m certain you could have a comeback starting sometime soon (such as Monday).

    You mentioned that you drove a friend to a grocery store. Does that mean you got your license? Also, you mention that you found a bra that your boobs seem to like. More details on this?

    I’m assuming the drama and annoyances are in reference to your work. I wouldn’t let your job get to you — I should tell myself this — because you are only there temporarily. Don’t let Country Fair be your calling. I don’t plan to let Best Buy’s Geek Squad be mine.

    The closing portion of your post flirts with some underlining internal struggle. I could proverbially say, “Everything will be okay, Lee.” If I were in your position, I doubt I would want to hear that; it’s similar to hearing someone say that God has a plan (to see you get owned by a natural disaster or spontaneous international famine or bees).

    I collect quotes (because it is better than stamps) and I think they may provide some better advice than I can:

    “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” Jon Kabat-Zinn

    “When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” Paulo Coelho

    “We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.” Max Dupree

    “I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.” Xenocrates

    “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” T. S. Elliot

    So the moral of my post is: learn to surf, become better, don’t be afraid of becoming different, speak only when it is important, and only losers limit themselves.

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