“So I found the letters with the reasons,

June 14, 2011

two things you been feeling that he says they’ll never know.”

I was going to post this on facebook. Here seems like a better place.

You know, in case none of ya’ll have noticed, the past, like, three months have been really hard on me. The events were nothing that the typical person doesn’t go through, but it’s still a whole lot harder alone. Sure I have my support systems. I have a handful of friends I know would go to any lengths to help me with anything. But I’ve cut off so many that somewhere along the line it occurred to me just how unfair that is. I try my best and all I get is fakeness, I’m lonely and scared and unbalanced and everyone “understands” but no one helps.  I’ve written my heart out, talked my heart out, kept it bottled up and cried it out, and most of the time no one took two seconds to notice there’s [Budden quote] a regress lately. I’m not much a believer in diagnosed mental illnesses but I will compare it to depression, with highs and lows that are unevenly balanced and fleeting to the point of dark thoughts I haven’t faced since California. I am unsatisfied with everything and everyone more than half the time and I don’t know why. Maybe I need a boyfriend. Maybe I need more friends. I feel trapped. I feel like a failure. And every day, I’ve woken up with the hope of a new, better day just to get it beaten down in the ground by some invisible force. I lost a lot of myself somewhere along the line.

And I guarantee you, I’m going to pull my own damn self out of it. Because if I can’t, what’s the point? No one else knows me like me. It’s still a shame it has to be like this, though. I’ll remember this. I hope your conscience eats at you and you can’t breathe without me.

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