Well, this is a little tougher than I imagined considering it’s a straightforward question. I am single but I don’t find myself being physically attracted to many guys, and emotionally I’m pretty detatched as well. It might have something to do with how I’ve only been single for a couple months and I’m still really hurt about everything, but when I think back, I can’t remember a time I was ever exceptionally impressed with guys. But, in a nutshell, I guess I am attracted to a gentleman who isn’t a self proclaimed “nice guy.” I like having doors opened for me, but not a guy who is so nice that he’s gay. I like a guy who is tough and a little bossy, because I see that as manly. Humor is attractive, I like a guy who appreciates mine. I like the typical hardcore guy. I am also attracted to someone with a calm medium. I am attracted to somebody who cares for themself, and who cares for someone else.

Since my posts haven’t been very stimulating lately, here’s a treat for my well-behaved bloggy.

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
By ee cummings


June 18, 2011

feels nice and in place. Hmmm.

On a positive note.

June 14, 2011

two things you been feeling that he says they’ll never know.”

I was going to post this on facebook. Here seems like a better place.

You know, in case none of ya’ll have noticed, the past, like, three months have been really hard on me. The events were nothing that the typical person doesn’t go through, but it’s still a whole lot harder alone. Sure I have my support systems. I have a handful of friends I know would go to any lengths to help me with anything. But I’ve cut off so many that somewhere along the line it occurred to me just how unfair that is. I try my best and all I get is fakeness, I’m lonely and scared and unbalanced and everyone “understands” but no one helps.  I’ve written my heart out, talked my heart out, kept it bottled up and cried it out, and most of the time no one took two seconds to notice there’s [Budden quote] a regress lately. I’m not much a believer in diagnosed mental illnesses but I will compare it to depression, with highs and lows that are unevenly balanced and fleeting to the point of dark thoughts I haven’t faced since California. I am unsatisfied with everything and everyone more than half the time and I don’t know why. Maybe I need a boyfriend. Maybe I need more friends. I feel trapped. I feel like a failure. And every day, I’ve woken up with the hope of a new, better day just to get it beaten down in the ground by some invisible force. I lost a lot of myself somewhere along the line.

And I guarantee you, I’m going to pull my own damn self out of it. Because if I can’t, what’s the point? No one else knows me like me. It’s still a shame it has to be like this, though. I’ll remember this. I hope your conscience eats at you and you can’t breathe without me.

June 13, 2011

“Let me tell you something, here right now. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.” – Joe Budden

I took my time off from being online as much. I wasn’t able to cut myself off completely but I managed to do a lot of thinking. I took two extremes, cutting everyone off and then surrounding myself with them. Neither seemed to be what I needed. A friend approached me and bluntly asked if I was okay. The answer to that? Beats me. I guess I’m never NOT okay. I’ve had bad experiences, bad days, bad weeks, and bad years, and I can honestly say I know this too will pass. It just sucks for right now.

A few nights ago me and dude talked and aired some things out. I made the decision to not hold a grudge and to try being friends. But almost right after that, it occured to me that I still wasn’t satisfied. So what I’ve been looking for and waiting for might not have to do with him at all. Hmph. I’m just really conflicted about my feelings about everything.

Summer’s heeeeeere. I’m getting decently tan. I got my promotion, which rules, because otherwise with my current money situation I’d have $100 to spare every month, hahaha. I’m getting Rosco’s tail lights fixed hopefully this weekend, or at least they’ll tell me an estimate of how much it’ll cost by this weekend. As soon as I can I’m going to take Madeline on a road trip.

I’m ready for some new people but I’m not sure how to even meet people anymore. I’m such a dweeb. I bought new lawn chairs and a fire pit so I can have fires all the time. I hope 2011 starts to turn around. Bye ya’ll.