“Day” 06.

January 26, 2011

I started a list of “30 things about myself” and I’m really bored with this thing, honestly, five whole¬†days into it. Lulz. Whatever. ūüėÄ

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Truth is harsh.

January 26, 2011

To sum it all up, the way I see it is, toxins don’t belong anywhere near the human body, it’s my purpose in life to make the world less cruel, and god doesn’t exist. I don’t need to base my lifestyle around the idea that it will help me achieve a purer being and get me a ticket to a magical land where everything rules after I croak. I guess you could call me god free if you wanted to make me sound cooler and a lot more dedicated to my athiesm than I am. Truth is, I don’t really care enough about what everyone else wants to believe to put them down about it or try and argue it. I just want to be left alone to believe that there’s nothing in death. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Skipping the “time I wanted to end my life” b/c emotions are for pansies.,,

And so we rot.

January 23, 2011

In ten years? That’s crazy, I’m almost 19, so in ten years I’d be 29. I can’t even think that far ahead. I tried to plan one YEAR head and I ended up hating everything in Cali and coming home. So I guess I’d like to be happy in ten years. I’d like to be in a career where I make sufficient money- enough to keep me off foodstamps and healthy. I’d like to be healthy and fit and still very little. :] I want to have friends who care and my family and maybe a dog. I want to help people, I don’t want to take adavantage of anything for a living. But even if I can’t get all that, and I’m homeless in a goddang box with no friends for support¬†and I live in still¬†Erie even though I want to move, I don’t want to have sold out on anything for a better shot.

“Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self esteem.” -Kurt Cobain
Alcohol and tobacco products are drugs. They take the best out of people. I have¬†lost too many close ties due to stupid decisions and drugs. I never want to have to participate in a socially acceptable,¬†recreational form of suicide to get attention or acceptance. My views are harsh. But I judge no one until they get in my face. I love my X’s, but they don’t control everything in my life. I make¬†responsible, legal¬†decisions.

I’ve known him for about seven months now, since August 2010¬†to be very specific.¬†I had this giant crush on him before I’d even met him, which I’ll hardly admit because it makes me feel twelve again. We texted every day, all day. When our phones were broken we talked on facebook for at least a little bit. We like to say he’s “always in my pocket” and I’m in his.¬†He lets me share the dumbest details about my day. I have shared information about myself with him that I’ve never told another living soul, or very few. He opened up a part of me that had been iced over from¬†past generic guy-related¬†high school experiences and made me realize that even if you don’t want somebody it’s a wonderful feeling to have one. Right now I’m lonely and borderline depressed because he screwed up and his parents [understandably] cut him off from ways to talk to people. He’s younger than me so he doesn’t have the luxury of being able to do whatever he wants¬†like I do. It’s gonna be hard because I’m so used to talking to him every day, but I’ll live.¬†He screwed up one time. He’s still perfect to me. He’s adorable. His name is Adam. Words like “single” and “relationship” are self-righteous bull that don’t determine if I’m available to anyone else. My heart does, and I’m not.

We’ll see.

January 23, 2011

This is what I look like. I don’t really ever post pictures of myself online, too many weirdoes and bad experiences.

I guess I’ll do this gay¬†challenge thing. I need something to think about.

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January 16, 2011

You guys make me smile. I don’t really need a whole lot more than to just know you guys care, lame as that is.
“I admit it, I gave up easily. But you dying to look good but you changed identities.”

Tonight’s playlist.

January 5, 2011

Jay Sean- “Stay”
-“Don’t hold your breath ’cause you might stop breathing
And if she’s part of the plan then what you achieving?
Girls only leave ’cause they can’t take deceiving
After she’s got what she wants and she packs up her bags
And opens the door and talks about breezing”

Jon Young- “Don’t Wanna Fight”
-“I know we human, we ain’t perfect, but we take it too far
We only here a short time so lets make it less hard
There’s other thangs to deal with, no need for conflict
Baby girl¬†I wanna love ya, not make ya sick”

Chris Brown- “Talk That Shit”
-“I¬†hate you
You ain’t shit but I love you
Don’t nobody else make me mad as you
But when we makin’ up though, I’m glad it’s you”

Atmosphere- “Wild, Wild Horses”
-“Do the math, he knew he had to choose a path
Gotta get that girl, got to make her laugh
Got to shake the past and move forwards
Got to make this last, it feels gorgeous”

Damien Rice- “9 Crimes”
-“Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
It’s the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
It’s the wrong time she’s pulling me through
It’s a small crime and I got no excuse”

Hoods- “Ghetto Blaster”
-“As I walk through the valley of death
I fear no one because everyone’s dead
I chose this knife, it’s all¬†I need by my side
My god is PAIN”

Jay Z ft. Mya- “Best of Me”
-“But I’m used to not having a lot
I’m from the gutta and uh I ain’t the type to ever chase your boss
I’m the type to interior decorate the watch
I’m the type to sling heavy weight on the block”

Bruce Springsteen, covered by Brian Fallon- “Backstreets”
-“Sleeping in that old abandoned beach house, getting wasted in the heat
And hiding on the backstreets, hiding on the backstreets
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets”

Plies ft. Keri Hilson- “Medicine”
-“Keep ya up all night I can be your no dose
Need your prescription see or holla at me, let me know
Call me or text me baby when you need some more
I give you becky baby when your body sore”