Disappointment.

October 15, 2010

Before I begin this explanation of why I am “disappointed,” I believe I should start off with a little story about my day yesterday. After all, this is a blog, and what are my words without any story or interesting motives behind them? Yesterday I received an anonymous text from someone [I assume my team leader here] telling me to come to dinner. When I went to the kitchen no one was there. Weird. So I sat outside on the curb and waited to see where fifteen people managed to disappear to. In my quest I imagine I looked pretty lonely, because a very nice young lad walked over and plopped down next to me. I’m friendly, he’s friendly, we talked for awhile. Mostly about tattoos. One thing he said he wanted as a tattoo was “existing’s tricky.” Call me a sucker for poetry or dumb indie trends, but I absolutely loved that. What better way can someone sum up the complications that arise in daily average life?

That being said, I have left AmeriCorps NCCC. I will keep my reasons as personal as I can on a blog. I have felt out of place here, being one of few under 21 and even fewer with yet to attend college. I have been depressed and lonely. I have made friends and yet, feel completely alone. I have had panic attacks and hives, a trait I have developed in extremely stressful situations. I haven’t felt like this is home. So I talked to a counselor today, and I am leaving before they depart on their first assignment to go to a Boys and Girls’ Camp in Mendocino on Tuesday.

I am not doing this for people, no matter what everyone’s assuming. I already got heat for this from my friends. And I’m not doing it for attention, self-pity, or anything else that’s been thrown around. I’m doing this for me. While this is a wonderful program, I’m not ready quite yet for it, and I’m paying for it ultimately. I wish I had thought this out better before I made this huge commitment and wasted taxpayer money on this trip. I’m flat broke. California’s expensive. However I will NEVER stop volunteering or helping people and I’ll change the world some other way. My plan is to go back home, get money, be a real adult, and go to school maybe, or go on some other humanitarian project and not quit that one. Do I realize what a huge mistake I just made? Yep. Do I know it’s only been a week and a half? Yes. I want my friends and family to know that I have considered all the options, and taken into account every opinion I’ve had forced on me. But this is my choice and life. My brother supports me and that’s all I need right now. So I’m moving home again. I hate the West Coast. Don’t applaud it, and don’t discourage it. Just accept it and let me live.

I am not proud of this. But it is what I am doing.

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