I wrote this when I was 11.

October 31, 2010

Hello stranger,
you’re just in time.
I’ve missed you for quite a while.
I know we’ve met,
but where?
And you look so different and act so polite.
But you hardly seem strange,
now that I’ve seen your face.

Girls swearing is trashy.

October 30, 2010

But I’ve been quoting this all day.  “My ass still fat, they still checking for me.  And never will you find another bitch like me. And I don’t care what your friends say. What we had was like Jay and Beyonce.” It’s Single by Trina and it’s picking up my mood. Life goes on.

In Five Days,

October 20, 2010

I did…
become very irritable at 28 hours without sleep, showering, and changing clothes.
hang out with Tony.
hang out with Bean.
text a lot.
update my blog.
have doubts.
unpack my bags and return my life to its slightly less-reduced-to-four-bags state.
get my job back.
drink Dr. Pepper.
decided to make positive changes with my workouts, inspired by Americorps.
buy an SD card reader so I can upload my few California pictures.
miss my family and  friends in Erie.
feel bad about leaving my Cali friends.
add Cali friends on facebook to creep.
have a really good/ bad talk with my mom about moving back home.
possibly change my entire life.

I didn’t…
get a new tattoo.
die in a car accident.
get attacked by wolves.
apologize to my dad for this situation.
let my doubts get the best of me.
figure out a good way to pay back the estimated $600 I owe my mom now.
find a new place to volunteer weekly since the library doesn’t need me anymore.
run a marathon.

Disappointment.

October 15, 2010

Before I begin this explanation of why I am “disappointed,” I believe I should start off with a little story about my day yesterday. After all, this is a blog, and what are my words without any story or interesting motives behind them? Yesterday I received an anonymous text from someone [I assume my team leader here] telling me to come to dinner. When I went to the kitchen no one was there. Weird. So I sat outside on the curb and waited to see where fifteen people managed to disappear to. In my quest I imagine I looked pretty lonely, because a very nice young lad walked over and plopped down next to me. I’m friendly, he’s friendly, we talked for awhile. Mostly about tattoos. One thing he said he wanted as a tattoo was “existing’s tricky.” Call me a sucker for poetry or dumb indie trends, but I absolutely loved that. What better way can someone sum up the complications that arise in daily average life?

That being said, I have left AmeriCorps NCCC. I will keep my reasons as personal as I can on a blog. I have felt out of place here, being one of few under 21 and even fewer with yet to attend college. I have been depressed and lonely. I have made friends and yet, feel completely alone. I have had panic attacks and hives, a trait I have developed in extremely stressful situations. I haven’t felt like this is home. So I talked to a counselor today, and I am leaving before they depart on their first assignment to go to a Boys and Girls’ Camp in Mendocino on Tuesday.

I am not doing this for people, no matter what everyone’s assuming. I already got heat for this from my friends. And I’m not doing it for attention, self-pity, or anything else that’s been thrown around. I’m doing this for me. While this is a wonderful program, I’m not ready quite yet for it, and I’m paying for it ultimately. I wish I had thought this out better before I made this huge commitment and wasted taxpayer money on this trip. I’m flat broke. California’s expensive. However I will NEVER stop volunteering or helping people and I’ll change the world some other way. My plan is to go back home, get money, be a real adult, and go to school maybe, or go on some other humanitarian project and not quit that one. Do I realize what a huge mistake I just made? Yep. Do I know it’s only been a week and a half? Yes. I want my friends and family to know that I have considered all the options, and taken into account every opinion I’ve had forced on me. But this is my choice and life. My brother supports me and that’s all I need right now. So I’m moving home again. I hate the West Coast. Don’t applaud it, and don’t discourage it. Just accept it and let me live.

I am not proud of this. But it is what I am doing.

La, la, la, la, la la…

Whelp. I live in California now. I am officially an Americorps NCCC representative as of today [got my pass and uniform]. The flight and first day were absolutely disgusting, due to excessive exhaustion, lack of shower, etc. But everyone is extremely open and nice. I’m actually intimidated and pretty shy right now. I think I’ve picked up a couple friends, but we keep switching groups, rooms, etc, so I never see someone twice.  From what I gather, everyone sits in the computer lab on facebook just as much as I do, so I don’t feel like a nerd yet. I’m the literal smallest person here which makes me giggle. Also, it came in handy because everyone helps me carry stuff, haha. We’re basically living in a college campus/ military base. Other than the time we get up I don’t think I hate anything about this place. I’m in this weird stage where I can’t tell if I’m going to like it here. I can’t judge anything from the first day, and I’m overdramatic anyway. But I’m so worried that I’ll fail here. :/ I miss a lot of home, but mostly because I’m used to it. I miss my friends. I can’t wait for Christmas break. :] When I become interesting I’ll post something with more substance.

Just a thought.

October 3, 2010

The past 72 hours of my life have been absolutely insane. It’s starting to seem unreal. On Thursday at 5:45 a.m. I will be on my way to California. I have discovered two things.

1. I absolutely adore all my friends, and my family, and it’s killing me having to leave them. Also I found the greatest boy. I’m so sad to leave him too.
2. I’m sick of everybody trying to make plans with me on this last week in town. Really, I gave these so called “friends” about 8 months to hang out and now that it’s totally inconveniant for me they’re around. Yeah, no, not gonna miss any of you.

I bought all my luggage! I’m going to WalMart tomorrow probably to get the rest of my stuff. My life will be reduced to two suitcases, a duffel bag, and my backpack. Weird.

And that’s it.