These last three years,

August 19, 2010

I know they’ve been hard,
but it’s time to get out of the desert and into the sun.

Dear Kid,
You’re leaving so soon and I have a lot of things to get off my chest before you go. The problem is I have no idea how to start anything, especially a letter to you. You mean too much to me for my pathetic words to explain. And at the same time I have so much pent up emotion, so many vile things to say to you, that I’m afraid of being honest about everything. Because I am bitter. I am bitter, after so long. You don’t understand why. Yes, you have known since the very beginning how I felt about everything, and I’ve known the difference between what I want and what is real. I am resentful because I ignored what I knew and I let you hurt me over and over. I’m resentful that I have so many trust issues, and confidence issues, and memories, because of you. I’m resentful because it isn’t even your fault. You couldn’t stop me from my emotions. But I felt like you crossed lines back in the day. I felt like your doormat. I did everything for you, for your happiness, and I listened to you and felt your pain and I tried to be who I assumed you wanted me to be. But I don’t think I ever was anything to you. So I have built up anger and insecurities that have eaten me away. You honestly broke my heart. Not in the fake “I loved you and you broke my heart” way, not at all. I will never say I love[d] you. I don’t believe in love. But I know that I did not know how to function a lot of times because of how I felt crushed, and like I had no air in my lungs, and like I was never going to be happy in my heart like I was in my mind. But I carried on with my days. I moved on, eventually, and I tried to forget you. Sometimes it helped in little ways but I realized recently that I never fully intended to cut you out of my life. I just can’t do that to myself. You have put up with my horrible emotions and brought me comfort in some of the darkest times. You have given me memories and ideas that will stick with me for a very, very long time. And you told me I matter to you. I thought you would forget me in the shuffle of life, but you looked me straight in the eyes and told me you’d never forget me unless you were old and senile and didn’t remember your kids’ names. You’re funny like that. It’s one of your best qualities. In all honesty, none of the things you have ever done to me emotionally matter because you are still the most wonderful person to me. You’ve got every quality that people like. You deserve the ultimate perfect best. I hope you find it. Honestly, it’s better than me. I wish that wasn’t true but it is. I accepted it a long time ago. Thank you so much, for everything. There’s always you in one cheesy place in my metaphorical heart, forever. I will never say these things to you.

Sincerely, Lee.

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