And look at the damage.

August 30, 2010

It’s a toss up between Brian Fallon and Joe Budden for most beautiful man in the world. Dig the neck tattoo! “]

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I want, I want, I want…

August 28, 2010

I want to meet somebody who likes the things that I do. I want to meet somebody that has completely different tastes and styles than me. I want to meet someone shy. I want to meet the most outgoing person in the world. I want to meet somebody that has overcome great obstacles to get to where they are in life and who doesn’t have a single ounce of self-pity. I want to meet someone that has everything handed to them. I want to meet vegan, militant, straight edge warriors. I want to meet laid-back stoners. I want to meet people who have traveled thousands of miles and people who haven’t left their home state. I want to share stories, I want to share hopes and dreams, I want to share my intermost thoughts and feelings. I want to meet a good listener even though I’m not much of a talker. I want to make someone happy solely by existing.

10. She isn’t a good host or a polite house guest.

9. She respects and likes that I’m straight edge. She’ll fight over MY beliefs.

8. She has her own ideas and opinions. She’s intelligent.

7. The stuff she likes is generally pretty cool so we share interests.

6. For some reason she thinks I’m funny.

5. She has the best heart, and she doesn’t even realize it.

4. She tickles me when I’m on her floor crying.

3. She’s honest and beautiful and a million other good adjectives.

2. I feel comfortable enough with her to let me put my guard down, something only two people have ever gotten from me. I don’t mind crying in front of her or complaining to her, because I know she can see when I’m hurt. I don’t feel stupid telling her my deepest, darkest thoughts, and she doesn’t mind doing the same for me.

1. She has never left anything unsaid. We hardly ever argue and when we did she ALWAYS talked to me about it. She’s never let me go even though there were times when I sure deserved it.

You have the most beautiful soul. I am happy that we spent four years getting this close. I look forward to four more years, because I know we’re still going to grow and become even closer. You were the only thing that kept me from spiraling into depression on and off for two years and the only good memory I have of that school. I love you, Lime.

Boredom does this.

August 22, 2010

So for everybody who doesn’t know this, my room’s walls are a giant collective collage, right? Today was my only day off from work all week and after Tony left I had nothing to do. I decided to take a huge step and I stripped one wall, my “friends” part of the collage. For one, I haven’t updated that wall in so long and I was tired of staring at pictures of people who don’t talk to me anymore. And for another thing, like I said, I was really bored and had the night off. That part of my walls have always been kinda ugly and sloppy. It took me six hours to finish what I could, I had to walk to work in the pouring rain to get supplies when I ran out, and a lot of parts on the door still need filling, but I’m happy with my result. :]

Beforehand!

The creative process.

 

My butt, and me working on everything.

 

Neeew!

These last three years,

August 19, 2010

I know they’ve been hard,
but it’s time to get out of the desert and into the sun.

Dear Kid,
You’re leaving so soon and I have a lot of things to get off my chest before you go. The problem is I have no idea how to start anything, especially a letter to you. You mean too much to me for my pathetic words to explain. And at the same time I have so much pent up emotion, so many vile things to say to you, that I’m afraid of being honest about everything. Because I am bitter. I am bitter, after so long. You don’t understand why. Yes, you have known since the very beginning how I felt about everything, and I’ve known the difference between what I want and what is real. I am resentful because I ignored what I knew and I let you hurt me over and over. I’m resentful that I have so many trust issues, and confidence issues, and memories, because of you. I’m resentful because it isn’t even your fault. You couldn’t stop me from my emotions. But I felt like you crossed lines back in the day. I felt like your doormat. I did everything for you, for your happiness, and I listened to you and felt your pain and I tried to be who I assumed you wanted me to be. But I don’t think I ever was anything to you. So I have built up anger and insecurities that have eaten me away. You honestly broke my heart. Not in the fake “I loved you and you broke my heart” way, not at all. I will never say I love[d] you. I don’t believe in love. But I know that I did not know how to function a lot of times because of how I felt crushed, and like I had no air in my lungs, and like I was never going to be happy in my heart like I was in my mind. But I carried on with my days. I moved on, eventually, and I tried to forget you. Sometimes it helped in little ways but I realized recently that I never fully intended to cut you out of my life. I just can’t do that to myself. You have put up with my horrible emotions and brought me comfort in some of the darkest times. You have given me memories and ideas that will stick with me for a very, very long time. And you told me I matter to you. I thought you would forget me in the shuffle of life, but you looked me straight in the eyes and told me you’d never forget me unless you were old and senile and didn’t remember your kids’ names. You’re funny like that. It’s one of your best qualities. In all honesty, none of the things you have ever done to me emotionally matter because you are still the most wonderful person to me. You’ve got every quality that people like. You deserve the ultimate perfect best. I hope you find it. Honestly, it’s better than me. I wish that wasn’t true but it is. I accepted it a long time ago. Thank you so much, for everything. There’s always you in one cheesy place in my metaphorical heart, forever. I will never say these things to you.

Sincerely, Lee.

FRIDAY THE 13TH

August 14, 2010

WAS NOT GOOD TO ME!

I’m over self-pity. You win, you stupid holiday. For today.
Tomorrow will be much better.
I got to see Kristi who moved to Ohio.
I’m tannnnnish.
I feel like something good might be developing. ;]

Stillhappyhappyhappy.

Life and whathaveyou.

August 5, 2010

1. Generally I’m good. No one cares, so moving on.

2. I got everything worked out with Americorps.
I leave October 7th, to Sacramento, CA, with NCCC. 😀 Yay!
I tried to talk to s0me kids on the facebook forum so hopefully I’ll make some friends.

3. It’s getting closer and closer to Madeline leaving. I don’t know what to do with myself because of that.
Now I know how she felt when she thought I was leaving, well, yesterday.
Haha. I’m actually glad the date got pushed so far back.
I have time to work and get money and say bye to everyone now.

4. I think my cell phone is broken, considering about five minutes ago the keyboard stopped working completely.
That makes me very upset since I pay for it myself and it’s only two months old and I really
DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO IT. Guh. I hope I don’t have to pay for a new one. :[

5. I miss listening to BUSH. Glycerine is such a good song.
I wish I had more of them on Schindler [my iPod Norbert’s processor].

6. I caught the new episode of Psych tonight and man, I love that show.
Can I please be in a relationship with Shawn Spencer?

7. Random spaces in this.

8. I feel bad about some things, but only to an extent.

9. I have one old good friend who is trying pretty hard to reenter my life, and I appreciate it,
but our schedules conflict too much and I’m trying to balance my rare days of free time with people who aren’t living in Erie.
I really want to talk to this friend though, and confront her about some things.

10. I may or may not have gotten a write up at work today. I love my job, but that’s retarded.
Because I was only there because they called me in on my day off with four hours left in the shift.

11. Bug bites all over your feet suck, in case you forgot or something.

12. I hung out with my guy “best friend” last night, and do you know what sucks?
It made me realize how much he isn’t my best friend anymore. We drifted, but not just that.
He completely disappeared out of my life for months at a time for the past year and every time I got over it.
I don’t think he realized how awkward it was hanging out, either. So whatever.

13. I realized today I do not have any casual nice clothes. It’s either bummin’ style or super fancy.
Nothing I could wear on a date. Not that I go on any.

14. I like the book I am reading.

15. I still like Dr. Pepper.

16. My favorite person in the world at work is leaving. *sigh*

17. I wonder if anyone is actually getting this far down the list….

18. My mom was in the ER last week and severly sick, but she’s much better now.
My friends gave me some support which was appreciated.

19. good night.